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Separating Apologies from Right and Wrong

Submitted by jaz on July 9, 2007 - 6:27pm.

I have been thinking about saying"I am sorry" to someone and how important or unimportant it is that one actually has done something something worth apologizing for. This has come up several times in the past year because I have had two big arguments with my husband about finances based on his misperception or his misremembering of something that was going on. (I will say here, that because of his background he tends to be much more panicky about finances than I am, and so bad financial news tends to make him much less clear headed than usual.) So, in both cases there were false accusations made--and because I was trying so hard to do extra work and make sacrifices financially, the accusations were probably more painful.

When we were making up, we both said we were sorry, but I had some left over resentment over apologizing--Why should I say "sorry" I thought when I had not done the things I was being accused of? I was talking this over with a friend of mine and I think we came to a useful conclusion. Maybe saying "I am sorry" is not so much an assertion of guilt, but a declaration of ones investment in the relationship--more like a statement of, I am sorry we had to step on each others toes just now; lets try and move past it.

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Taking Time

Submitted by egami on January 9, 2008 - 2:47pm.

Taking my time getting to some of these older posts...hope no one minds the late bumps.

I agree with that. I think it's important to be able to apologize to someone despite remaining in disagreement. Especially in marriage. I think the function of the apology also needs to be rooted in forgiveness, of course, and not just peace-keeping lip service.

There is great book about this concept by a Christian author called "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. It's a quick read, but very good. It's probably the single best work outside of the Bible I've read on the topic of forgiveness. I think it's the only book I've ever bought for anyone else to read.

It probably underscores the single largest issue in our world today.


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Re: Separating

Submitted by The GC on July 10, 2007 - 12:12pm.

Excellent point, jaz.  I know several sociologists who would agree with your assessment of the true function of the apology.

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being aware of our judgements

Submitted by jaz on July 10, 2007 - 9:32am.
Another thought on this topic, though actually I think this might apply to a number of things Prof is saying on this site and so is really just another way of saying the same thing--but it has to do with something I was reading about meditation. (This is from the book "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn.) There is a section that talks about how during meditation one soon becomes aware of how much our minds are taken up with evaluating and judging our experience. There really is no way to stop doing this, but the author advises trying to be a witness to the fact that we are doing it rather than do it unconsciously because doing it unconsciously we are not aware of how much of our experience is being filtered through our sense of right/wrong, likes/dislikes, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of being hurt, etc.
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Re: being aware...

Submitted by The GC on July 10, 2007 - 12:42pm.

Amen to that, sister! Smile

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Thank you!

Submitted by Katrina on July 9, 2007 - 7:12pm.

Lemme tell you jaz, what a mentor you've been for me today... You're precisely echoing exactly what I needed to hear. That was great insight, and I think you're absolutely right. Smile

 

 

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Thanks Kat; It's so great to

Submitted by jaz on July 9, 2007 - 7:18pm.
Thanks Kat; It's so great to talk to you and Prof and the folks at L-T again. I missed you all. And an extra thanks to Prof for having this site with these topics--I feel like we are all helping each other get through the jungle here.
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Don't you mean...

Submitted by The GC on July 10, 2007 - 12:45pm.
...through the jungle... on an island of mystery? Laughing
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I know what you mean! I

Submitted by Katrina on July 9, 2007 - 7:25pm.

I know what you mean! I mean, these articles, these topics are what this is meant for. I'm pleased we're making use of it.. it's very genuine. And I'm thankful for that.

And as you see, we missed you as well, I'm glad you're back!

 

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